This is Me.

been awhile

I’ve started dreaming again. About death & angels & babies. I didn’t know for sure if I believed in angels. But there are always orbs in my pictures. And someone once gave me an entire envelope of pictures where the orbs were only on me. and she said to me…you’ve got an angel, amber & I think it’s probably your Dad. And I say he deserved better than that.

I’ve decided that loving someone, is what I do best. I’m not very good at hating even though I still keep trying. After all I’m not a quitter. My mother still rips my  heart out every chance she gets & my sister has succesfully wasted any talent she’s ever had.

But I have Allen & I have Jackson. And so I keep smiling.

Move along, Move Along.

I can feel the cold in my bones again

It’s the last week of October. And in a few short weeks it will be the 16th of November. And until I get past that day, November always feels so heavy. I miss my Dad. More than anyone could ever imagine. There is no comforting me but I just wish someone would try anyway. Anyone. My Dad was the most amazing person you could ever meet. He could make anything funny. He could make anyone smile. He was so full of life. And then someone stole his. Some drunk fucking bastard who didn’t even have the heart to stop his car & see what the hell had happened. I guess even now I”m not finding any forgiveness. I miss him is all. =[

shitty week

I’m having the shittiest week ever!! I feel totally worthless the last few days. Can’t remember shit therefore I am fucking up everything I do at work. I’m trying to overcome my “new girl” status & it’s so hard to do when I keep screwing up. I think I ask the wrong questions & say “I don’t know” too much. But then when I try to do things without asking…to prove my confidence or independence I get interrupted. So either way I get frustrated. Either because I’m not able to do some things by myself yet or because when I try to someone steps in without my asking them to. I’m seriously getting pissed off about it. And the only person I can be mad at is myself. And all along I thought I had so much strength. Where is it now??

Forgiveness

What a crazy ass week!! Some girl locked herself in our bathroom today at work. And she couldn’t figure out how to unlock it to get out. So she started to freak the fuck out & scream for her boyfriend. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. But I really needed that laugh after 40 some crazy hours doing paperwork & answering the phone & dealing w/ old people who can’t hear you unless you scream at them. I never knew how tiring this would be!!

I’m so sad for my sister with her situation right now. A lot of things have come into light recently & I’m trying so hard to be there for her but it’s hard. And it frustrates me when she says she will come see me and never does. I drive an hour to see my family. Between gas & the mileage on vehicles & the time to get there it’s exhausting sometimes. But I love them & can’t imagine my life without them.[especially jenna]  So I go. And me being here is not a good enough reason for Crystal to say she can’t make it. Because when I lived in Luna Pier she never came to visit. And then there were two other apartments I had that she only managed to come to Once at each place. And it’s shitty I think. Because what I really wanted all those years was just to be close to her. But it never happened. Then I find out some crazy shit here recently & suddenly she wants my forgiveness. And I can do that. I will do that for her. But I want to see a difference. If I’m supposed to forgive her for never being there for me. For closing the door in my face back then….I want to see a change & I want to see it now. I don’t think that’s a whole lot to ask for.